Humor Quotes

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
Albert Einstein

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
Mae West

“So many books, so little time.”
Frank Zappa

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
Narcotics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
Mark Twain

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
Jane Austen

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
Garrison Keillor

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
Jim Henson

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
Robert A. Heinlein

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
Paul Terry

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
Charles M. Schulz

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen

“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.”
Albert Einstein

“I love mankind, it’s people I can’t stand.”
Charles M. Schulz

“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write, or Add

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
Terry Pratchett, Diggers

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
W.C. Fields

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
Mark Twain

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”
Rita Mae Brown

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
George Carlin

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain

“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?”
Marilyn Monroe

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”
Albert Einstein

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